I'm Leaving On A Jet Plane...

I am currently sitting in seat 26D, on the aisle of a 727 bound for Houston. I have had about 20 butts in my face since we left, not to mention armpits, giant stomachs, and other things I’d rather not discuss. I’m convinced that everyone on this flight has been drinking coffee non-stop since we left Seattle 3.5 hours ago. I’ve had people squeezing by me this entire flight, and I feel moved to write a bit about coach class etiquette. These are little mini-lessons that may seem like common sense to many of you, but apparently escapes the grasp of the masses.

1. For starters, when you are standing in line for the bathroom in the aisle, stand between two seat backs, not right next to the passengers sitting down. If you have to stand next a passenger, remain facing forward. This way you will eliminate sticking your butt or other body parts directly into the face the seated and helpless passenger. Finally, if you HAVE to stand sideways, DO NOT BEND OVER. Especially if you’ve been hitting McDonald’s pretty regularly this year.
2. On a related matter, if you are heading back to your seat and have to pass by a line of anxious passengers waiting to relieve themselves, use common words of courtesy like “Excuse me”, “Pardon Me”, “Sorry”, “Mind if I get by?”. Silently trying to squirm your way back up the aisle like a salmon heading for spawing grounds is just plain rude. Everyone knows it’s uncomfortably close, so you might as well make light of it and try to get everyone’s mind off of the butts stuck in their faces. (Remember to face forward!)
3. If people are sleeping in the seats you are standing next to, here’s a novel idea - how about keeping your big yapper shut and not going on and on about your cat’s furr ball medicine or the guy at your workplace who keeps staring at you. Here’s the key words for the day - NO ONE CARES! You’re disturbing people, and you’re making information public that is just adding to the general irritation of sitting in coach.
4. Seatbacks - pick a position, and hang with it. Constantly going back and forth is probably really pissing off the person behind you with a laptop or hot cup of coffee. Bouncing back and forth is a no-no too, for the same reasons.
5. Coughing/Sneezing/Bodily Functions - Do I really need to say this? COVER YOUR MOUTH WITH YOUR ARM! Germs are everywhere anyway, please don’t make matters worse by coughing or sneezing all around. And for heaven’s sake, as for passing gas... HOLD IT UNTIL YOU GET TO THE BATHROOM! Silent but deadly does nothing but make everyone more irritated, and you’re probably going to get blamed anyway, cheesemeister.

Just a little common sense, a dash of courtesy, and a few moments of projecting beyond your own precious needs in life will make each flight you are on just a wee bit more pleasant. Wouldn’t that be a nice thing, since we all spent hundreds of dollars to pee in a closet?